Somebody wants to be president. Just because it looks so cool to have thousands of people watching while you're on tv making a speech. Somebody wants to be a racer because you want to ride that fast. While some little girls want to princesses, find their prince charming and live happily ever after.
Me? I just wanted to be a mommy. Clearly because I adored my own. She seemed to be a mind reader. Every kid that age thinks his/her mommy/daddy know and understand his/her emotions better than himself/herself. Why? Well of course! Because mommy knows you're hungry before you do and she knows you have to pee before you pack up for a long drive while you realize right after she's told you four times and you've refused four times and the car has rolled on to the highway.
Well do you think they know you best now?
Haha big joke.
No those big guys don't get it apparently. Neither does that boy you love. Or his best friend. Nor your countless face book friends.
9999 out of every 10,000 kids are swiftly, inadvertently de-geniusized by grown ups. Ah well I could have been the next Einstein - but mom dad and all the uncles and aunties prevented it.
We used to get angry and upset because of loud noises or because we didn't get our food on time. Now we pull out our guns at the red light. We would spread our arms and think the world was at our feet at the highest point of the swing. Now we're afraid - all the time, that the swing might just bend and break under the pressure. We drown ourselves in the cacophony of the voices saying - 'no'
What happened to those big dreams?
Oh well they changed, altered by all the ifs and buts of the world.
Disillusionment set in. A little bit at least. Weird things started irritating you. People, most of all.
You think 'how could they!' You get disgusted, spend hours and days being a vegetable, in a gloom, brooding.
It does affect us, no matter how much we don't want it to. Show me a person who remains untouched by this and I'll worship him (Howard Roark you should have been real). Thing is you didn't think so, but shit happens. Everyone will tell you that. Keep a dog with you long enough and he'll tell you right at your feet. True story.
I have longed for people before, I have loved people before.
Not like this.
It was not this.
Give me a world, you have taken the world I was.
~ Anne Carson
What do you do about it? Some of us move on. Others spend their lives cleaning up everyone else's poop. We fall down, we get back up. We step on someone's back to get to the next step of the ladder. Yes we do. All of us. In weird twisted upside down ways, that at times even seem noble. Its the way of life. The nature of evolution. Darwin couldn't have been wrong now could he?
We fall down again and we get up again, just a little dirtier and moodier than before.
At some point after the falling down and looking around, you start to get a little bit tired. There's too much noise at times no? Your heart chugs to a tired halt. Reflection we call it.
And because we've always been taught to believe in happy endings, even the most pessimistic of us, we keep going. Because it's fun sometimes to look for the diamond in the haystack. Because even if you want to sleep forever, the sun will continue to blind you every single morning.
when she was just a girl, she expected the world
but it flew away from her reach
so she ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of
paradise
but it flew away from her reach
so she ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of
paradise
